i hate, i mean i love jfk airport!

jfk airport has got to be the most run down airports that i have seen recently! anway i'm flying delta so i had to walk over two teriminals. i found my gate, ate lunch, got my fill of starbucks and then sat near my gate. what do i find but my beloved hotspot working in the gate area? so i checked my flight status on line. i found out my gate changed, so i had to rush over to the other wing. when i got there, my hotspot no longer worked and there was no one at the gate. so i checked the screen again and it said my old gate number for my flight! so i rushed back where i happily sat about 15 minutes ago only to realize that the delta air website may not have the most up to date info. phewy!

anyway i was hating being stuck at jfk for hours and hours. i think i got out of customs at about 11 am. it is now 1:30 or so and i still have another hour to go before my flight takes off for boston!!!

getting through the immigrations was really pleasant. the officer just asked me if i was on vacation. so i said yes. she stamped my passport and that was that. i love it! love it, love it!

[edit]
wooh - let me correct myself. to recap: my ticket said gate 29. internet info said gate 17 so i go there. then see that the screens now say gate 29 again. so i go back there. only to find out after asking a flight agent that it really is 17! so am i at gate 17? nope. before i logged off the internet (b/c hotspot works near gate 29, but not gate 17) i looked up which gates the hotspot works near. so yeah, i'm no where near the gate i'm supposed to be departing from. why? my flight was delayed an hour and a half! it wouldn't be so bad except that i have been waiting for the 2:35 pm flight since 11 am and now the new departure time is 4:30 pm!

the love of my life

i don't know why. but once in a while i google the love of my life. today i discoverd a new link when i googled his name. he has profiles on amazon.com. so i clicked on it. i couldn't read the words he wrote. pretty silly, don't you think?

it's not that i am still in love with him. he's just the only person i had a real relationship with, the only person i loved romantically, and the only person i let into my life without reservations.

i imagine that he's happily married with children. he moved on from our break-up with lightening speed. me, it took years to get over him. honestly i missed his friendship more than i did for the romantic relationship.

the thing that gets me is that he pops up in my dreams every now and then. we can't control our dreams, right? at least i can't control my dreams.

anyway, last night he was in my dream again. this time it was different. i told him that i was happy that we weren't together, happy that we weren't married to each other and happy that i was over him. talk about empowerment! so why did i google his name just now???

personal vs professional blog

for me the line between personal and professional blog is really difficult to draw. in anycase i decided to keep this blog as a personal. at the moment i am not even sure what that means. :) anyway i'm inspired by kongtemplation to keep a professional blog so i'll try my best to keep this one personal and the other one professional.

as for being a professional - i'm a perpetual student, theologian, a philosopher, and an artist. and my personal interests overlap with my professional interests which is the most exciting part of being a theologian, philosopher and an artist. the kinds of questions i pursue in theology and philosophy are questions i have personally and the kind of art work i do is really about who i am.

i guess on this site, i might be more likely to let my stream of consciousness just flow. and on the "professional" blog, i'll try to stick to a topic, event, or issue. yeah. that's what i'll do. hehe

do you ever write reviews of books, restaurants, etc.? i love writing reviews. if you google "bleuemoon" you can find some of my reviews on line, which, if i were more organized, might be posted on one of my blog sites. but since i'm not that organized, they will just have to remain separated from my blogs. :)

boy, it's really feast or famine, isn't it? once i start blogging, i can't stop posting. but then when i haven't posted in a while i don't even know where to start.

here i am

i'm visiting my familly in korea. the plane ride wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it might be. i even studied for a bit on the plane. the visit so far is not as bad as i had feared. so all in all, things are good.

i'm trying to type without using my left index finger and it's reallly hard! i had to get what i think was a wart from my finger. the nurse said it wasn't contagious. anyway i couldn't feel anything on the tip of my finger and i didn't like that so i had whatever it was removed today. the reason i don't know exactly what it was is because the doctor told me in korean what it was in korean. anyway, have you ever had an injection of any kind on your finger? it hurts!!! it hurts a lot a lot!

there is a new president in korea and my parents and the rest of the country (it seems) are excited about it. the stock market is doing well if that's an indication of anything.

i'm done with christmas shopping. our family had an early exchange of gifts.

i miss my niece!!!

drama drama

praise god! my professor gave me an extension for the seminar paper!!! i am so relieved. the due date is a month from now! i think i can do it. all week long, i have been agonizing over requesting for the incomplete. last night i sent an e-mail to my prof and he wrote me back right away to say that i can get an incomplete. how cool and awesome is that???

my niece was dropped off at school by her dad this morning. all the other kids walked in with a gift in hand. my niece walked into the class room empty handed. i hope she didn't feel bad about it. maybe she didn't notice? i hope not.

tomorrow i am going to korea. i don't know if i'm ready to go home just yet. oh well. what can you do? gotta go since i got reservations and all for the trip to korea.

it's tricky business keeping up with friends. sometimes you have a falling out with friends and that's okay. and those you are friends with, it's difficult to know how to be there for them, especially when i'm out of town or when i'm not feeling so good myself. i wish things were easier.

graphic designer?

i was talking my family last night and one of the ideas we generated was that i could be a graphic artist. i have an interest in art (painting, photography, drawing). and if i could channel my artistic creativity to work, i might enjoy what i do. so should i do it??? i don't know the first thing about graphic design. well, that's not absolutely true since i was a co-editor of my yearbook in high school. my junior year i was the managing editor and then my senior year i was the co-editor of the year book. if i think about it, that was pretty amazing since i didn't know a thing about publishing when i joined the yearbook, but the editor in chief liked me so she let me be a managing editor. then i just learned my way to being a co-editor the next year. it was a really cool experience. i was the creative mind and my co-editor was the one with deadlines in view, etc. she would tell us (me included? i can't remember) that the deadline was a week before the actual deadline.

anyway i think i'm probably more suited to be a consultant of some sort. in my mind, i'm preparing myself to leave the academia, i think. i love problem solving so i think it would be really fun to be a consultant of some kind. i don't think i'll mind the hours too much since i don't really have a life anyway. :)

right vs left brained

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

it's interesting that i'm 50-50 right brained and left brained. i guess i could have guessed it. i majored in philosphy and minored in math. so i am accustomed to using both my right and left brain i guess.

blogging

i wonder if i blog more when i don't really talk to people? hmmm. all this week, well, since wednesday three and i have been visiting two. and since i got here, i haven't really had anything to write home about. for instance, last night, we talked until about 2 or 3 am about everything under the sun. it didn't hurt that we had some beer in us along with peanuts and dried squid (typical snacks with alcohol for koreans).

as we were talking i nearly had a melt down when i expressed that i didn't have a choice in whether i continue on with my studies in theology. it's out of my hands. my depression has gotten worse over the years and not better. and it's getting really difficult to write papers. so it might be wise to fold my cards while i still can.

what will i do? maybe i could live on disability and social security checks? i don't think i could hold down a job, not the kind that requires me to be there regularly anyway. i'd have to freelance in some capacity. but what?

chicago

should we move to chicago? (not right now of course) real estate is great here. much better than new england market. maybe i need a change. things, as they have been, aren't working out for me back on the east coast so much anyway. so right now i am in chicago at my sister's place. okay, we're in the suburb of chicago. but it's close enough isn't it?

i haven't been feeling well this entire year and i will be so happy when this year ends. but there are no guarrantees that next year is going to be better. what a depressing thought.

happy birthday!

it's four's birthday tomorrow. happy birthday!!! i can't believe four is twenty three years old now. he has to study in the library all day on his birthday. hope he gets a lot of work done and that he has a happy day today.

so i did go to church today. we got there late which i wasn't too unhappy about. :) we stayed until the end of the service. i wasn't sure that i could make it to the end of the service, but i did. i hadn't participated in communion in about a month. since our church has communion every sunday, i took the elements during communion. i prayed that it is because of grace i can take communion and not for anything i have done, or not done.

as for remorse over what happened about three weeks ago - a serious self destructive act - i don't always feel sorry that i did it. i think it was to have acted on impulse. i'm glad to be alive. and yes, i over reacted. i was a drama queen that night. a delirious drama queen. i'm payinig the price for having missed two weeks of my life in the "real" world. i have to get an incomplete for my class and work on the final paper during winter break. there are some other complications too but none which i feel like writing about at the moment.

i got a domain name today! i haven't done anything with it yet but maybe over the winter break, i'll work on the website. it will give me something to do. it will occupy the moments in between - after i wake up until i go to sleep. and god knows it's difficult for me to fill those waking momonts!

true grounds

life can be good sometimes even when it is bad. this morning my friend and i came to a coffee shop to study and we might go exercise later. anyway all that to say when you keep busy doing something, anything at all, time passes by faster. so this morning is looking pretty good.

i'm really excited about writing blogs with hopes that it can be helpful for people out there who are struggling with depression. i have been "recovering" from my current episode of depression for 5 years! how does depression last for so long you ask? i've had one relapse after another so in the past 5 years i've been in and out of the hospitals, taking this medicine and that medicine. i feel like my therapist is getting impatient with me finally. it doesn't feel nice that she seems to be losing patience. the other day i was telling her how i was crying hysterically and life seemed so hopeless. she just said that sometimes we have to have a good cry. sure. a good cry is nice sometimes. but the kind of crying that went on wasn't a cathartic cry at all. it was a kind of crying that comes out from the depths of your soul, from the inner most parts of your being and it rips you of any stability you feel. so yes, it's good that i cried. it's better that i was able to sleep with the aid of a sleeping medicine to put a break on the painful crying episode.

i have a good friend. i'm here in the coffee shop with her now. whenever we talk or hang out we bring out the best in each other. we share our thoughts and feelings and we accept one another as we are, not how we should be or how we want to be, but just as we are. i thank god for her. :)

three (one being me out of the four siblings) might come live with me and EM (my roommate). EM is the bestest roommate i ever had! since it isn't her responsibility to take care of me, my parents and three think that it would be good for me if three came to live with us. i think that would be really nice. but i hope i won't become a burden to three. last thing in the world i want is to be a burden on three or anyone else for that matter. i mean, who wants to be a burden on anyone?

i'm going to chicago next week to see two, mr two (my brother in law) and my lovely niece. my niece brings smiles and happiness into my heart even when the world seems to be falling apart. i really love her. and she loves me. now that's something to write home about, don't you think?

vodka and orange juice

to go to church or not to go to church - this is the question that is on my mind right now. is it okay not to go to church? of course no one HAS to go to church. when you belong to a church community, however, one that is as small as my church, your absence is noticed more than your presence (i think).

one of my siblings told me that she would pray for me even though she's having personal issues with god lately. that's awful sweet of her, don't you think? anyway i think i have issues of my own with god lately too. i hardly pray, especially since i have stopped going to morning prayer meetings. i can't go to morning prayer because i have to go to a program at the hospital which is supposed to help me transition from hospital to world. how in the world they think they are helping me do this i have no clue since not much of what we do in this program has helped me so far. anyway, my issue with god happens to be that god seems absent in my life. it feels like god has been absent in my life for a while. of course i pray and i pray well for others. but when i pray for myself, lately, i noticed that i don't have much to say. and whewn i do have something to say, i find that i doubt whether god is hearing my prayers. if god hears my prayers, that should make some kind of practical difference in my life, should it not? well, i don't think my prayers for myself has had an impact on my life lately. so lately, i don't pray all that much.

i want to be able to pray. i want to believe that god cares. studying theology has been bad in a way because i realize that to think of god as a personal god limits god to whatever i am capable of imagining. but if god is not personal...shouldn't god be personal if nothing else? by personal god i don't mean that god is a person but a creator that relates to me in a personal way. maybe that's too much to hope for.

my dad is in denial about me. i mean really he is in denial about my life, how i am doing, who i am and what i do. he just asks if i am okay and whether i exercised, ate, and read the bible. why should this matter? when my dad refuses to accept who i am i feel like i am not being seen. and maybe if my parents can't see me for who i am, maybe god doesn't see me as i am too. i know that there is no good reason or logic behind this thinking but it just is the coninection i make from my parents to god. so i am invisible in all but one sense. i am a place holder for my parent's oldest daughter. i am a place holder for the daughter who always succeeds. even when i'm failing miserably they see me as succeeding in whatever i am failing in, like i said, they are in denial. it's just not nice to ignore me for who i am and to reconstruct me in their minds as someone who is doing well. i am not doing well. i feel miserable. life has no meaning for me. but i must live because i cannot die. that's the story of my life.

forget this life or the next

there are no two ways about it. when life sucks, it really sucks. nothing is enjoyable, as if you can't taste a thing you eat. you look forward to nothing. nothing, not a thing brings happiness, joy or even a drop of hope. so what is there to live for? must you live for others? live in order to spare them of the grief they would experience in your absence? but surely you cannot live for others. the reason for living must come from within. it's just that i'm searching and searching and coming up empty. so life is unbearable, as if your eyelids are being held open by force and all you want to do is to close your eyes! it's just like that. all you want, all i want is a break, a break from boredom, pain and meaningless existence. two says i just have to pick a purpose and live. but i can't just PICK a purpose in life. it, the purpose i mean any purpose, doesn't have meaning for me. if all fails, live for God my christian friends would tell me. but you know what? nothing. i'm coming up short here too. in my wildest imagination, i can't imagine a thing i have to do, must do, that others can't do. so what do i do? well, there is nothing i can do, right? i just got to sit and wait, or i can try on stuff, see if i enjoy it. oh well.

three is watching friends and pheobe is having a baby in this show. it's great. never mind having a purpose in life. i'm going to watch friends. :)