it's four's birthday tomorrow. happy birthday!!! i can't believe four is twenty three years old now. he has to study in the library all day on his birthday. hope he gets a lot of work done and that he has a happy day today.
so i did go to church today. we got there late which i wasn't too unhappy about. :) we stayed until the end of the service. i wasn't sure that i could make it to the end of the service, but i did. i hadn't participated in communion in about a month. since our church has communion every sunday, i took the elements during communion. i prayed that it is because of grace i can take communion and not for anything i have done, or not done.
as for remorse over what happened about three weeks ago - a serious self destructive act - i don't always feel sorry that i did it. i think it was to have acted on impulse. i'm glad to be alive. and yes, i over reacted. i was a drama queen that night. a delirious drama queen. i'm payinig the price for having missed two weeks of my life in the "real" world. i have to get an incomplete for my class and work on the final paper during winter break. there are some other complications too but none which i feel like writing about at the moment.
i got a domain name today! i haven't done anything with it yet but maybe over the winter break, i'll work on the website. it will give me something to do. it will occupy the moments in between - after i wake up until i go to sleep. and god knows it's difficult for me to fill those waking momonts!
Sunday, December 09, 2007
true grounds
life can be good sometimes even when it is bad. this morning my friend and i came to a coffee shop to study and we might go exercise later. anyway all that to say when you keep busy doing something, anything at all, time passes by faster. so this morning is looking pretty good.
i'm really excited about writing blogs with hopes that it can be helpful for people out there who are struggling with depression. i have been "recovering" from my current episode of depression for 5 years! how does depression last for so long you ask? i've had one relapse after another so in the past 5 years i've been in and out of the hospitals, taking this medicine and that medicine. i feel like my therapist is getting impatient with me finally. it doesn't feel nice that she seems to be losing patience. the other day i was telling her how i was crying hysterically and life seemed so hopeless. she just said that sometimes we have to have a good cry. sure. a good cry is nice sometimes. but the kind of crying that went on wasn't a cathartic cry at all. it was a kind of crying that comes out from the depths of your soul, from the inner most parts of your being and it rips you of any stability you feel. so yes, it's good that i cried. it's better that i was able to sleep with the aid of a sleeping medicine to put a break on the painful crying episode.
i have a good friend. i'm here in the coffee shop with her now. whenever we talk or hang out we bring out the best in each other. we share our thoughts and feelings and we accept one another as we are, not how we should be or how we want to be, but just as we are. i thank god for her. :)
three (one being me out of the four siblings) might come live with me and EM (my roommate). EM is the bestest roommate i ever had! since it isn't her responsibility to take care of me, my parents and three think that it would be good for me if three came to live with us. i think that would be really nice. but i hope i won't become a burden to three. last thing in the world i want is to be a burden on three or anyone else for that matter. i mean, who wants to be a burden on anyone?
i'm going to chicago next week to see two, mr two (my brother in law) and my lovely niece. my niece brings smiles and happiness into my heart even when the world seems to be falling apart. i really love her. and she loves me. now that's something to write home about, don't you think?
i'm really excited about writing blogs with hopes that it can be helpful for people out there who are struggling with depression. i have been "recovering" from my current episode of depression for 5 years! how does depression last for so long you ask? i've had one relapse after another so in the past 5 years i've been in and out of the hospitals, taking this medicine and that medicine. i feel like my therapist is getting impatient with me finally. it doesn't feel nice that she seems to be losing patience. the other day i was telling her how i was crying hysterically and life seemed so hopeless. she just said that sometimes we have to have a good cry. sure. a good cry is nice sometimes. but the kind of crying that went on wasn't a cathartic cry at all. it was a kind of crying that comes out from the depths of your soul, from the inner most parts of your being and it rips you of any stability you feel. so yes, it's good that i cried. it's better that i was able to sleep with the aid of a sleeping medicine to put a break on the painful crying episode.
i have a good friend. i'm here in the coffee shop with her now. whenever we talk or hang out we bring out the best in each other. we share our thoughts and feelings and we accept one another as we are, not how we should be or how we want to be, but just as we are. i thank god for her. :)
three (one being me out of the four siblings) might come live with me and EM (my roommate). EM is the bestest roommate i ever had! since it isn't her responsibility to take care of me, my parents and three think that it would be good for me if three came to live with us. i think that would be really nice. but i hope i won't become a burden to three. last thing in the world i want is to be a burden on three or anyone else for that matter. i mean, who wants to be a burden on anyone?
i'm going to chicago next week to see two, mr two (my brother in law) and my lovely niece. my niece brings smiles and happiness into my heart even when the world seems to be falling apart. i really love her. and she loves me. now that's something to write home about, don't you think?
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