changing churches, for now at least

when you change churches, especially if one is a small church that feels like a family like my current church, it rather feels like you’re changing friends. of course you can still hang out with friends from the old church, but it feels/it will feel strange b/c it’s a little bit like, oh we weren’t good enough for you? maybe it’s just me, but i feel a bit like that myself when people change churches even though one’s decision to change churches is not all personal. i can’t say that it isn’t personal at all b/c at some level it is personal. if nothing else, it is personal.

i’m going to temporarily “leave” my church (the “old” church) and go to another church that i used to go to before (the “new” church). i’m a member at my church so it’s not like i’m leaving the church for good. but who knows what the future holds, right? if i were to compare my relationship with my current church to a romantic relationship, it’s not like a break up for good, but more like a break. like i was telling a friend earlier today, it’s like switching shampoo from old one to a new one so that the old one will work well again. okay. maybe that’s a trivial example but it makes the point i want to make.

obviously i’ve given it some thought as to why i want to go to a new church for now. i need to/want to worship god in a different setting. partly, i feel that i need to start fresh with respect to how i relate to god. and yes, i need/want a fresh start with my church community too. i’ve been hurt a few times by the people in the church. and i’m sure i’ve done the same for others. i am not trying to place blames or displace them when i should own up to them myself. i just don’t feel a this point that i can worship at my old church because i feel hurt in the body of Christ.

anyway, when a family is dysfunctional, you want a break from them except you know you can’t trade them in for a new one so part of you knows you are stuck and you try to make it work. but with friends as well as church community, well you are not stuck with them. you can move on if you want to. i often move on nonchalantly from friendships and hate committing to communities or to people. but in the recent years i tried to make things work. even so when a relationship gets unhealthy, it’s best to take a break.

i think there is something to be said for sticking out the rough patches and not leaving when things get hard. well, in case anyone comment on that aspect i thought i’d pre-emptively make the remark that i’m past that stage. i’ve stayed at my church for 4-5 years through the good and the bad. there were times in the past when i wanted to throw in the towel. but i didn’t give up on the relationships built in the church, relationships built on christ.

then why change churches now? at the moment, it feels like i’m trying to walk on a broken leg to worship at my old church. perhaps because i seem to be falling apart myself, i just need to be in an environment where i feel nurtured and accepted for who i am right this moment rather than what people expect me to be as i used to be. does that make sense? in my church, people expect that i would do this or that or feel or believe this way or that way. but the truth is at this point in my life, at the present moment, especially after my last desperate attempt for an exit, i am starting over. you can’t start over in an old place easily. you need a new place to start over. so that’s why i’m going to go to a new church for now.

i don’t think i’m writing this just so i feel free of guilt or to justify myself. i think i needed to write this to acknowledge how i feel at the church and to work out clearly why i need a new place to worship god. so thanks for reading.

loving it!

happy new year!!!

i slept early last night and didn't really experience a new beginning of the new year. every one was away so what can you do? anyway, i woke up this morning and had some dry cereal because i ran out of milk. yeah, i know. pretty sad, huh? anyway i put on some smokey eye shadow that my roommate got me and i'm loving it! and i made coffee for myself which is a compromise since i tried to head out to starbucks to study. i will be picking up some friends in a couple of hours and we're going to get some duk-man-doo-kuk which is a traditional korean dish that you're supposed to eat on new year's day.

it's not like anything has changed. my pants still don't fit. and i'm still eating a lot, etc. but i'm feeling pretty good this morning. i might even get some studying done today! yay!!!