Saturday, May 24, 2008

moving moving

i got past page 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. i got stuck on 16. when i get towards the end of a paper, it's like i can't squeeze out another ounce of creative juice out of my brain!

last weekend, i worked around the clock. then this week, i took it easy. i'm wondering if i shouldn't do it the other way - work hard during the week and play during the weekend when everyone else wants to play.

i have been noticing that when i am anchored down and i'm studying, these are moments that i don't mind being alive. i am not bored. i am not wondering about the purpose or meaning of my life. i simply read, write, think, and synthesize, etc. i guess people are made differently. and what makes one person tick may not be what makes another person tick. and for me, that driving force is best experienced when my mind is clear and i am trying to learn new things and then trying to figure out how to unify new and old knowledge. it's cool that i get to live in the way that brings me most sense of fulfillment, satisfaction, happiness, peace.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

stuck on 9

i'm stuck on page 9. it happens sometimes. i get stuck on a page for a while. oh well. hope i get up to page 15 by the end of the day! this paper has been really fun to write. i even use an example from lord of the rings. hehe

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

slow death

my days seem long b/c at every moment i'm trying to write but they seem short at the same time b/c at the end of the day, i have nothing to show for the anxiety that i experienced during the day. my life at the moment is better captured by "slow death" than anything having to do with life.

Monday, April 28, 2008

hard times but good times

last week was a difficult time for our community with some (unexpected) family matters. but we got through it together and we're going to keep on going through the hard times together!

as for my paper, i have written 5 pages (of about 20 pg paper) which is due tomorrow morning at 9:30 am! man oh man. i guess i'm not going to get much sleep tonight. :)

Monday, April 21, 2008

good news anybody?

i need some good news! anybody, anybody?

Monday, April 07, 2008

good enough

i guess good enough and done is better than perfect and unfinished. so my presentation was not a total flop. how did that happen? i was so unprepared. i guess people were incredibly polite.

today is a very very special person's birthday. :) happy birthday!!!

Monday, March 31, 2008

lots of rain

our flight got cancelled! i guess i don't mind so much actually. i get to spend more time with my niece. i have to finish my presentation tonight (since the presentation is tomorrow morning!). will it get done? how will it get done???

btw chicago planetarium is not the most exciting place to visit. my niece had a good time somehow. but the rest of us were like, get me out of here!!! we went to afternoon tea after planetarium over the weekend and my niece loved it! we had also planned to go to a big toy store but it closed down. we had planned to go to a dinner place that is friendly to kids and has live jazz music. but the little ones (including me) were too tired. so we came home. all in all this visit was really great even though i had to get lots and lots of studying done. i was probably more productive here than i am usually back home!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

deadlines deadlines deadlines!!!

first draft of my thesis is due on april 7th! i guess that means i'll have to start writing it soon. i have a presentation on april 1st so i'm still trying to finish the book i'm supposed to present. wow. time sure flies. i can't believe how fast this semester has gone by.

when will spring really come? i love snow so i'm not complaining. but man shouldn't we be getting rain at this time of the year not snow?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

big city

i was in nyc over the weekend. i ate good food, stayed at a huge hotel suite (for nyc that is), saw art works of klimt, etc. etc. it was really fun. it was really good to be away from home for a little bit. and of course the best part of the trip was coming home. :)

i just got back from class and feel really great! i asked lots and lots of questions. considering that i didn't understand a thing i read i felt like i contributed a lot. i was probably able to ask so many questions because there were so many things i didn't understand. it's all good.

lately, i haven't wanted to do anything. even going to nyc was a struggle. and when i was there i stayed in half the time. last week at therapy for the first time, it was difficult to talk in that just getting the volume of my voice up to an audible range took so much effort. then afterwards i didn't want to and didn't know if i could drive myself home. i never felt like that before. this "not wanting to do anything" has been taken to a new level.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

end of an era

the counseling center where i did my intensive therapy group and am now doing once a week group is closing as a profit and re-opening some time in the near future as a non-profit. i was like, if they can't make money as a for profit group, how can they survive as a non-profit? a friend told me if they go non-profit they'll get government funding and tax break. so i guess it's good. in the meantime everyone in the program has to be placed into a new program elsewhere. what a pain in the butt! i'm okay about it. but for some people it's devastating news. like this one woman, she came from another country for treatment. what is she supposed to do now? right?

i'm going to nyc this weekend. i still can't really study. so i thought i might as well just have a good weekend if i can't study anyway. good decision, i think.

i've been going to morning prayer everyday this week. i'm still not sure about my faith. but it helps to meet up with others to read the bible, share prayer concerns and to pray together. of course we go get coffee or breakfast afterwards and that doesn't hurt. :)

Sunday, March 09, 2008

night in town

on thursday night we sat 4 rows away from the hockey rink! our team lost and there was only one fight. still i had a great time, hot dogs, nachos and wings and all. :)

friday night i watched la vie en rose. man it was a long movie. the acting was good. but the story wasn't really all that interesting. i guess since you know that the singer dies, there isn't much suspense involved.

last night for dinner we went to a steak house. somebody wanted to take the college students (from church) out to a steak house that they probably couldn't afford on their own. and some post college folks tagged along. surprisingly i had a good time. i was somehow in a good mood despite having had a bad reading day. it was nice to see faces i hadn't seen in a while.

and then on the way back from dropping off some people, i almost got into a crazy accident. i was taking a path from a direction i don't usually come from and saw green light so i went. it turns out the green light wasn't for me. so as i was going across the intersection a car making a left honked at me. i'm so thankful that the car wasn't going fast because i would have hit the car if he/she was going any faster.

i haven't been driving so well lately. it's strange and scary.

since i can't read anyway i'm taking a break from studying. why not, right? next week is spring break in any case. :)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

wednesdays

i had a busy busy day yesterday. i went to morning prayer, exercised, met with my pcp, and went to my once a week group therapy. i was so happy to say hi to my old group members! i miss you guys!!! i don't know that every group bonds as well as we did. we genuinely liked each other, respected oen another, and enjoyed being a group. my wednesday group was better than last week. people talked a little more. maybe it's because i am getting to know the group better but anyway group felt better than last week.

it was really interesting to read blogs on nytimes last night about cliton and obama. man people were passionate about the candidates. i'm not very political at all. i kind of live in a little bubble to be honest. but still, even if i live in a bubble, i am looking forward to voting and am interested to see who wins the democratic nomination.

tonight i'm going to an ice hockey game! boston bruins vs toronto maple leafs. couple years ago at my first ice hockey game, i asked my friends if boston was playing the bruins. my friends laughed at me and said that i sounded so cute. hehe

i was worried that when i finished the intensive group that i would feel a sense of void and would not know what to do with the 20 hrs a week that got freed up. well, since the group ended, using the time group used to take up, i went wedding dress shopping with my roommate, went to a cool restaurant, and am not having a difficult time finding things to do! it's nice to be able to eat dinner before 8:30 which was what time i was getting home after the intensive group.

lately i've been feeling like i have nothing to write about. maybe i haven't been thinking about much of anything. but even when i have nothing to say, i still miss writing blogs. isn't that strange?

Monday, March 03, 2008

weekend report

i had a great weekend! we went to a cool restaurant, watched once and lives of others, had dinner with my old therapy group members, etc. etc.

yesterday was a bad driving day. at 6 in the morning, i tried to do a u turn on a bridge and then realized a cop was right behind me. so i backed up. for some strange reason, the cop didn't stop me! and then later in china town parking lot, while turning a tight corner, i scraped the side of the car on the very bottom. oh well. the unfortunate event in the parking lot might have been due to one of my medicine running out? i had to ration my meds so i could last until tuesday evening when i see my therapist. so i didn't take my dose at around lunch time. i probably wasn't alert as much as i could have been. later in the evening around 8 pm i felt like i was sinking down into the ground because i was so tired.

today is a very special person's birthday. :) happy birthday!

Friday, February 29, 2008

so beautiful

my roommate, my roommate's friend, my sister and i went wedding dress shopping for my roomnmate last night. she looked pretty in every single wedding dress! she's going to be a beautiful bride at her wedding. wow.

a mile

i am really psyched. i ran a mile in 11:20. that's the fastest i ever ran a mile!!!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

wedding dress

we're going wedding dress shopping in this evening! i'm really looking forward to it. i'm probably more excited than my roommate (she's the bride to be).

perks of having finished the evening dbt program of course is that i ate dinner around 6 pm last night and i can go wedding dress shopping before the stores close.

i started a new group yesterday and let me just say that i really miss my old group!!!

Monday, February 25, 2008

oh boy oh boy

i'm done summarizing 4 out of 8 chapters for my presentation tomorrow. wow. i am half way done! i've tackled the chapters i know better so the rest of the presentation is going to be more difficult. oh well.

i didn't get the watch the hollywood party last night. isn't it a shame that i didn't get to check out pretty dresses? yeah. yeah.

at my sister's insistence i went to church yesterday. to my surprise the sermon was relevant to things i'm trying to figure out in my own life. it's a good thing i went to church yesterday. :)

i have two more days left of the intensive group therapy program. just two more days!!!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

balance

i'm trying to find balance in my day today. i have to prepare for a presentation on tuesday. i still have to review the 360 page manuscript!!! i am not as stressed as i could be. so that's good.

on friday evening my group therapy program was cancelled due to the weather. so i still have 2 more days left.

lately i either feel bad or numb. this morning i can't tell how i feel at all. yesterday morning i was feeling pretty sad and crappy until i left the house around 2 pm!

my sister went out of town to visit some friends. i miss her.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

fear

i feel scared of my own emotions and thoughts. i need a frozen orange!!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

family visits

my brother was here for a week. my sister came on wednesday. it's nice to have family in town!

i have a week and a day left in my intensive group therapy. it's so weird that the time went by so fast. i don't know for sure that i will cope better. but we'll see.

this weekend i have a ton of reading to do. hopefully (with med change starting tomorrow) i can get some work done.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

final stretch

i have a week and a half left in the intensive group therapy program. yay! i have come to really care for the group members. and i'll be happy to have some time freed up to study.

last weekend i slept about 18 hrs in a 24 hr period. i didn't feel good so i just kept sleeping and sleeping. oh well.

tomorrow morning i will be working out at 8 am! wow. i'll be impressed if/when i get there.

Friday, February 08, 2008

strange week

group therapy this week was very strange. two people stopped coming. we had a major upset yesterday in three of the groups where group members got really upset. today we spent most of our energy hashing that out and trying to come up with solutions. i was left feeling angry but i wasn't even the person who was involved in the situations! i guess i was empathizing with the powerlessness the other group members felt in the situation. i have two more weeks of intensive group therapy left. yay!!!

Thursday, February 07, 2008

holding on

i don't know how good it is to do this but i'm holding on to my target behavior as an option should things take a turn for the worst. it's not that i'm closed to the possibility that my depression can get better. just in case things don't improve, i know i'll act on my impulses.

on a happier note, my brother is visiting me and it's been great. yesterday we went to two museums that i hadn't been to in ages. it's nice to be able to spend time with my brother.

Friday, February 01, 2008

shock

i'm totally in shock. i got a good grade for the paper i was agonizing over. it's the best grade i've received since i started the program. wow. what now? do i all of a sudden have hope? i am starting to believe that maybe the dark clouds are moving, albeit slowly. thank you God!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

special day

today felt weird. it just seemed like any other day. last year around this time i felt really (unrealistically) optimistic about the up coming year. as it turned out the past year was really really hard. many hospital visits, and academic troubles! this year i'm not as optimistic but have realistic "hope." maybe i'll end up in the hospital, maybe i won't. maybe i'll graduate, maybe i won't. i will just take one day at a time.

thanks friends and family for being there for me!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

contract

i had to contract for safety after group therapy today. we did a behavior analysis of someone who had just attempted suicide. i got triggered during group and didn't feel so good. fortunately i was able to check in with a counselor after that group then again after the evening ended. i feel much better right now after talking about some of the issues in a group following the behavioral analysis group. thank God!!!

Monday, January 28, 2008

raw emotions

i feel raw emotions from last night when i was brain storming for ways to "final exit." i felt worse after generating some ideas about how the final exit might appear to be natural.

goupd therapy was good. we discussed how i might cope with triggers. there are no easy answers. i just have to keep at working on feeling better. there are good days and there are bad days. i just have to keep working on feeling better.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

sunday worship

it is becoming harder and harder to sit through worship service on sundays. why is this the case? i feel disconnected from the worship service as a whole, disconnected from the sermon, the hymns and the prayers. it's not a good place to be for me. and yet i feel it over and over again that i have to sit through the service. maybe it will be better for me just to take a break from going to services?

i'm reading karl barth's dogmatics in outline. it's a challenge to separate out what he believes from what i believe. everything sounds kosher. what will i say in class on tuesday?

sleep is taking over. i can't get enough sleep! it might be time for a med change.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

intensive group therapy day 9

it's hard to keep track of each day now. this week, we had two members join the group. they are both nice. each person brings a new perspective to the group.

everyday is a struggle - getting out of bed has been difficult. i don't want to do anything. i basically have to force myself to get to places.

last weekend was amazing. i got the paper done! and i even had time to go shopping and had dinner with my mom both saturday and sunday.

i'm learning new skills in the intensive group therapy program. whether any of it will come handy when i'm feeling intense and awful feelings, we'll have to see.

this week i became aware that i want to communicate with my parents about what it's like to be depressed. i don't know if i'll actually attempt to tell them how hard it's been. i am thinking about it. and maybe that's a start.

i haven't done any reading since i finished the paper on sunday afternoon. man oh man! i'll start reading tomorrow morning. yeah.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

good enough is good enough?

i'm waking up so early now that it's more like i take a little nap in the late evening. my mom has jet lag and so she's up early in the morning. so this morning at 4 am we had pancakes. :) pancakes at any time of day is good for me.

mom and i went to a morning service at a korean church this morning. my korean is getting worse. when the pastor was reading the scripture passage i really wanted to crack open an english bible. i had one right infront of me too. i was just too lazy.

i want to turn in my seminar paper today! i think it should be 15 pages at least. but i only have thirteen pages. man oh man. i'm trying to squeeze out every drop of creativity i can find in myself but it's not working so well. i used to be able to crank more pages with less effort!

lord have mercy.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

early bird

i got up early this morning because i slept early. doesn't that really make sense? anyway i went to starbucks this morning as they were opening. i got some reading done there. i then came to the library. i gotta say i much prefer the library. it's noisy in starbucks! sometimes i don't mind the noise but man oh man this morning i couldn't stand it.

anyway all this to say that it feels great to wake up early in the morning and study. big day of studying today! i'm hoping to go out to dinner. i know, how can i go out to dinner when i have this major major paper is past its due date? well, i don't think i can study more than 10-12 hrs in a day anyway. so mom and i are going out to dinner. i can't wait!!!

i used to say that i'm neither a night or morning person. but i think i really enjoy being awake in the morning. this is not to say that i don't have problems getting out of bed in the morning because i really have a hard time getting up. but when i'm up i like being conscious early in the morning (by early i mean, before noon).

Friday, January 18, 2008

moody day

today was day five, in other words first full week of intensive therapy! yipee. i got 5 more weeks to go...

group therapy was fine. we discussed weekend planning. people were really encouraging for me to get some studying done. then we had a group for affirmation. i was like huh? but then it made sense. my home work is to repeat to myself "i can do it" as many times as i can/need to this weekend.

man i was up and down today emotionally. i talked to my therapist and then had to take a nap to get over some feelings. then again after group therapy i had to get some sleep too to feel more sturdy. oh well.

big weekend ahead. lots and lots of writing and reading to be done. :)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

intensive group therapy day 4

on monday i started an intensive group therapy program. it's starting to become a blur now how the week's gone by so i thought i better write some things down.

day 1 - i just felt that the four hours went by so slowly. i couldn't imagine how the next six weeks were going to be. i learned about willingness vs willfulness and opposite to current emotion action. i talked mostly about how i wasn't motivated to do anything and felt there was no purpose in life.

day 2 - there were lots of laughter on day two. one of the group members has a good sense of humor and laughs at a lot of the things i say. we had a family issue group and i told my story. it wasn't hard. we had self/validation class in which we basically learned how we can be validating of others. when you can't validate others, you have to apply the skills to yourself. that's what i said in the group. i tuned out
(unintentionally) what some people were saying and dissociated in the group. i was able to tell the group what i was experiencing.

day 3 - i didn't talk that much. i was afraid to talk. i felt like i was on some kind of an emotional ship that might sink if i opened up. i got to know group members better. we had a behavior analysis group and i felt relieved that they didn't analyze my behavior.

day 4 - i talked to my therapist earlier and told her that i'm really doing the group for other people and that i didn't really believe in the program. and so i expressed that in some of the groups. in one of the groups we started talking about whether we were sleeping well. i said that i over sleep and somehow we got into a discussion of
how i am living because i cannot die.

then in another group, when we were discussing addictive behaviors, i talked about my many many hospital visits. so on the fourth day i cried. i told the group i hadn't hit rockbotrtom and was doing the program for others. i wasn't really interested in changing blah blah blah. then somehow i got to talking about obstacles to my addictive behavior and i was trying to say that i wished that over christmas break when i went home that i hardly got to see my family. on christmas eve, my dad was busy, my sister didn't want to come over and my brother was out of the city. so my mom and i had dinner by ourselves. i felt a longing in the group for spending more time with the family. i said that even if we weren't doing anything together that it would have been nice if we were all in the house onchristmas eve.

so there it is. my four days at the program. my paper isn't going too well. i am really lucky to have my new advisor. i hope he won't be disappointed by the paper. i hope he'll get a paper from me. at this point, it's unclear.

i wish i didn't have to go to the group therapy again. but i think it's good for me nonetheless.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

house keeping

i came home with mom yesterday. there's something peaceful about coming home.

this week i have to write a major paper. but i'm so sleepy all the time.

i start an intensive group therapy tomorrow. the program lasts for six weeks! maybe there will be a snow day tomorrow. hehe

i was at my church today and i realized that i missed the people at my church. it was really nice to see them. the candidate for the headpastor position got voted in unanimously. all that's left is for the presbytery to officially accept him as the pastor of our church to finalize the process.

i'm feeling kind of numb. i'm not stressed. i'm not sad. i'm just numb.

Monday, January 07, 2008

the windy city

it's warm in chicago. i came here on sunday (reserved and bought ticket early in the morning) due to family circumstances... there has been a death in the extended family. it feels so weird to say that. i'm praying for the family.

my sister and niece are sick too. anyway i came so i could help out in anyway that i can. but you know, i'm not much help at all. i just load up the dish washer, unload the dishwasher, fetch things, etc. my sister who is still a bit sick is taking care of my niece who is starting to feel better. on sunday night we went to a restaurant and i happened to sit next to my niece. so one would think i helped her so that her parents could eat, right? but no. i was busy eating. i didn't quite know how to help her. i felt the same way when she was younger. my sister would let me feed my niece but i would feel so lost not knowing what to do.

so after the first night of sleep, a long long night of sleep, i got up late and felt practically bed-ridden. i didn't feel awake until about 4 pm while i was at the apple store. i had to make a visit to the apple store because on sunday morning my computer failed me. the screen just went blank and i couldn't get it to start up again. i hit the power button, plugged the computer into a power source, tapped different keys, i thought i tried everything. my appointment at the apple store was at 3:30 pm. they were so busy! so at about 3:30 pm one of the genius guy opens the computer and voila - the computer screen came on! so it turns out nothing is/was wrong with my computer. i thought it was charging through the night before but somehow it wasn't charging so on sunday morning, just before i got on the plane, the computer simply had no battery life left. so why didn't it turn on after i plugged it into an outlet??? instead of feeling stupid, i was just so happy that my computer was fine.

my sister made lunch and dinner. ideally i would be cooking. but i don't really cook. i mean, i know how to cook and things turn out fine. but i just don't do it very often. let's face it. i don't really like doing house work of any kind. guess i'll just have to live with that.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

changing churches, for now at least

when you change churches, especially if one is a small church that feels like a family like my current church, it rather feels like you’re changing friends. of course you can still hang out with friends from the old church, but it feels/it will feel strange b/c it’s a little bit like, oh we weren’t good enough for you? maybe it’s just me, but i feel a bit like that myself when people change churches even though one’s decision to change churches is not all personal. i can’t say that it isn’t personal at all b/c at some level it is personal. if nothing else, it is personal.

i’m going to temporarily “leave” my church (the “old” church) and go to another church that i used to go to before (the “new” church). i’m a member at my church so it’s not like i’m leaving the church for good. but who knows what the future holds, right? if i were to compare my relationship with my current church to a romantic relationship, it’s not like a break up for good, but more like a break. like i was telling a friend earlier today, it’s like switching shampoo from old one to a new one so that the old one will work well again. okay. maybe that’s a trivial example but it makes the point i want to make.

obviously i’ve given it some thought as to why i want to go to a new church for now. i need to/want to worship god in a different setting. partly, i feel that i need to start fresh with respect to how i relate to god. and yes, i need/want a fresh start with my church community too. i’ve been hurt a few times by the people in the church. and i’m sure i’ve done the same for others. i am not trying to place blames or displace them when i should own up to them myself. i just don’t feel a this point that i can worship at my old church because i feel hurt in the body of Christ.

anyway, when a family is dysfunctional, you want a break from them except you know you can’t trade them in for a new one so part of you knows you are stuck and you try to make it work. but with friends as well as church community, well you are not stuck with them. you can move on if you want to. i often move on nonchalantly from friendships and hate committing to communities or to people. but in the recent years i tried to make things work. even so when a relationship gets unhealthy, it’s best to take a break.

i think there is something to be said for sticking out the rough patches and not leaving when things get hard. well, in case anyone comment on that aspect i thought i’d pre-emptively make the remark that i’m past that stage. i’ve stayed at my church for 4-5 years through the good and the bad. there were times in the past when i wanted to throw in the towel. but i didn’t give up on the relationships built in the church, relationships built on christ.

then why change churches now? at the moment, it feels like i’m trying to walk on a broken leg to worship at my old church. perhaps because i seem to be falling apart myself, i just need to be in an environment where i feel nurtured and accepted for who i am right this moment rather than what people expect me to be as i used to be. does that make sense? in my church, people expect that i would do this or that or feel or believe this way or that way. but the truth is at this point in my life, at the present moment, especially after my last desperate attempt for an exit, i am starting over. you can’t start over in an old place easily. you need a new place to start over. so that’s why i’m going to go to a new church for now.

i don’t think i’m writing this just so i feel free of guilt or to justify myself. i think i needed to write this to acknowledge how i feel at the church and to work out clearly why i need a new place to worship god. so thanks for reading.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

loving it!

happy new year!!!

i slept early last night and didn't really experience a new beginning of the new year. every one was away so what can you do? anyway, i woke up this morning and had some dry cereal because i ran out of milk. yeah, i know. pretty sad, huh? anyway i put on some smokey eye shadow that my roommate got me and i'm loving it! and i made coffee for myself which is a compromise since i tried to head out to starbucks to study. i will be picking up some friends in a couple of hours and we're going to get some duk-man-doo-kuk which is a traditional korean dish that you're supposed to eat on new year's day.

it's not like anything has changed. my pants still don't fit. and i'm still eating a lot, etc. but i'm feeling pretty good this morning. i might even get some studying done today! yay!!!