shock

i'm totally in shock. i got a good grade for the paper i was agonizing over. it's the best grade i've received since i started the program. wow. what now? do i all of a sudden have hope? i am starting to believe that maybe the dark clouds are moving, albeit slowly. thank you God!

special day

today felt weird. it just seemed like any other day. last year around this time i felt really (unrealistically) optimistic about the up coming year. as it turned out the past year was really really hard. many hospital visits, and academic troubles! this year i'm not as optimistic but have realistic "hope." maybe i'll end up in the hospital, maybe i won't. maybe i'll graduate, maybe i won't. i will just take one day at a time.

thanks friends and family for being there for me!

contract

i had to contract for safety after group therapy today. we did a behavior analysis of someone who had just attempted suicide. i got triggered during group and didn't feel so good. fortunately i was able to check in with a counselor after that group then again after the evening ended. i feel much better right now after talking about some of the issues in a group following the behavioral analysis group. thank God!!!

raw emotions

i feel raw emotions from last night when i was brain storming for ways to "final exit." i felt worse after generating some ideas about how the final exit might appear to be natural.

goupd therapy was good. we discussed how i might cope with triggers. there are no easy answers. i just have to keep at working on feeling better. there are good days and there are bad days. i just have to keep working on feeling better.

sunday worship

it is becoming harder and harder to sit through worship service on sundays. why is this the case? i feel disconnected from the worship service as a whole, disconnected from the sermon, the hymns and the prayers. it's not a good place to be for me. and yet i feel it over and over again that i have to sit through the service. maybe it will be better for me just to take a break from going to services?

i'm reading karl barth's dogmatics in outline. it's a challenge to separate out what he believes from what i believe. everything sounds kosher. what will i say in class on tuesday?

sleep is taking over. i can't get enough sleep! it might be time for a med change.