happy birthday!

it's four's birthday tomorrow. happy birthday!!! i can't believe four is twenty three years old now. he has to study in the library all day on his birthday. hope he gets a lot of work done and that he has a happy day today.

so i did go to church today. we got there late which i wasn't too unhappy about. :) we stayed until the end of the service. i wasn't sure that i could make it to the end of the service, but i did. i hadn't participated in communion in about a month. since our church has communion every sunday, i took the elements during communion. i prayed that it is because of grace i can take communion and not for anything i have done, or not done.

as for remorse over what happened about three weeks ago - a serious self destructive act - i don't always feel sorry that i did it. i think it was to have acted on impulse. i'm glad to be alive. and yes, i over reacted. i was a drama queen that night. a delirious drama queen. i'm payinig the price for having missed two weeks of my life in the "real" world. i have to get an incomplete for my class and work on the final paper during winter break. there are some other complications too but none which i feel like writing about at the moment.

i got a domain name today! i haven't done anything with it yet but maybe over the winter break, i'll work on the website. it will give me something to do. it will occupy the moments in between - after i wake up until i go to sleep. and god knows it's difficult for me to fill those waking momonts!

true grounds

life can be good sometimes even when it is bad. this morning my friend and i came to a coffee shop to study and we might go exercise later. anyway all that to say when you keep busy doing something, anything at all, time passes by faster. so this morning is looking pretty good.

i'm really excited about writing blogs with hopes that it can be helpful for people out there who are struggling with depression. i have been "recovering" from my current episode of depression for 5 years! how does depression last for so long you ask? i've had one relapse after another so in the past 5 years i've been in and out of the hospitals, taking this medicine and that medicine. i feel like my therapist is getting impatient with me finally. it doesn't feel nice that she seems to be losing patience. the other day i was telling her how i was crying hysterically and life seemed so hopeless. she just said that sometimes we have to have a good cry. sure. a good cry is nice sometimes. but the kind of crying that went on wasn't a cathartic cry at all. it was a kind of crying that comes out from the depths of your soul, from the inner most parts of your being and it rips you of any stability you feel. so yes, it's good that i cried. it's better that i was able to sleep with the aid of a sleeping medicine to put a break on the painful crying episode.

i have a good friend. i'm here in the coffee shop with her now. whenever we talk or hang out we bring out the best in each other. we share our thoughts and feelings and we accept one another as we are, not how we should be or how we want to be, but just as we are. i thank god for her. :)

three (one being me out of the four siblings) might come live with me and EM (my roommate). EM is the bestest roommate i ever had! since it isn't her responsibility to take care of me, my parents and three think that it would be good for me if three came to live with us. i think that would be really nice. but i hope i won't become a burden to three. last thing in the world i want is to be a burden on three or anyone else for that matter. i mean, who wants to be a burden on anyone?

i'm going to chicago next week to see two, mr two (my brother in law) and my lovely niece. my niece brings smiles and happiness into my heart even when the world seems to be falling apart. i really love her. and she loves me. now that's something to write home about, don't you think?

vodka and orange juice

to go to church or not to go to church - this is the question that is on my mind right now. is it okay not to go to church? of course no one HAS to go to church. when you belong to a church community, however, one that is as small as my church, your absence is noticed more than your presence (i think).

one of my siblings told me that she would pray for me even though she's having personal issues with god lately. that's awful sweet of her, don't you think? anyway i think i have issues of my own with god lately too. i hardly pray, especially since i have stopped going to morning prayer meetings. i can't go to morning prayer because i have to go to a program at the hospital which is supposed to help me transition from hospital to world. how in the world they think they are helping me do this i have no clue since not much of what we do in this program has helped me so far. anyway, my issue with god happens to be that god seems absent in my life. it feels like god has been absent in my life for a while. of course i pray and i pray well for others. but when i pray for myself, lately, i noticed that i don't have much to say. and whewn i do have something to say, i find that i doubt whether god is hearing my prayers. if god hears my prayers, that should make some kind of practical difference in my life, should it not? well, i don't think my prayers for myself has had an impact on my life lately. so lately, i don't pray all that much.

i want to be able to pray. i want to believe that god cares. studying theology has been bad in a way because i realize that to think of god as a personal god limits god to whatever i am capable of imagining. but if god is not personal...shouldn't god be personal if nothing else? by personal god i don't mean that god is a person but a creator that relates to me in a personal way. maybe that's too much to hope for.

my dad is in denial about me. i mean really he is in denial about my life, how i am doing, who i am and what i do. he just asks if i am okay and whether i exercised, ate, and read the bible. why should this matter? when my dad refuses to accept who i am i feel like i am not being seen. and maybe if my parents can't see me for who i am, maybe god doesn't see me as i am too. i know that there is no good reason or logic behind this thinking but it just is the coninection i make from my parents to god. so i am invisible in all but one sense. i am a place holder for my parent's oldest daughter. i am a place holder for the daughter who always succeeds. even when i'm failing miserably they see me as succeeding in whatever i am failing in, like i said, they are in denial. it's just not nice to ignore me for who i am and to reconstruct me in their minds as someone who is doing well. i am not doing well. i feel miserable. life has no meaning for me. but i must live because i cannot die. that's the story of my life.

forget this life or the next

there are no two ways about it. when life sucks, it really sucks. nothing is enjoyable, as if you can't taste a thing you eat. you look forward to nothing. nothing, not a thing brings happiness, joy or even a drop of hope. so what is there to live for? must you live for others? live in order to spare them of the grief they would experience in your absence? but surely you cannot live for others. the reason for living must come from within. it's just that i'm searching and searching and coming up empty. so life is unbearable, as if your eyelids are being held open by force and all you want to do is to close your eyes! it's just like that. all you want, all i want is a break, a break from boredom, pain and meaningless existence. two says i just have to pick a purpose and live. but i can't just PICK a purpose in life. it, the purpose i mean any purpose, doesn't have meaning for me. if all fails, live for God my christian friends would tell me. but you know what? nothing. i'm coming up short here too. in my wildest imagination, i can't imagine a thing i have to do, must do, that others can't do. so what do i do? well, there is nothing i can do, right? i just got to sit and wait, or i can try on stuff, see if i enjoy it. oh well.

three is watching friends and pheobe is having a baby in this show. it's great. never mind having a purpose in life. i'm going to watch friends. :)

i can't do it i can't do it i can't do it
it's really hard to get back to myself even though i mostly feel like myself again. i don't want anything. i don't want to do anything. i just want to sit all day long. does this still count as depression? not sure

i don't have the strength to fight
i don't want things to be this way
not caring about anything
i am letting people down
sabotizing my future
is it my future?
help
i can't do this anymore

you reap what you sow
that's what i realize after talking to a few people today
today has been really weird.
i couldn't get out of bed. i had to force myself to get up.
why don't i care about anything today?

nocturnal bliss
insomnia
night owl

i'm still bleuemoon. perky. half octave better. but i'm still the same person.

will this headache ever go away?

i've been feeling kind of sick. i tried not to write. but it's soooo hard! i guess promises made to oneself are difficult to keep.

i love it. no one knows me i can say whatever. but it's weird because no one knows me. i thought that would be a good thing but maybe i want someone to read things!!

this is my new anonymous blog site. no can do. you don't know me. i promise.