good enough

i guess good enough and done is better than perfect and unfinished. so my presentation was not a total flop. how did that happen? i was so unprepared. i guess people were incredibly polite.

today is a very very special person's birthday. :) happy birthday!!!

lots of rain

our flight got cancelled! i guess i don't mind so much actually. i get to spend more time with my niece. i have to finish my presentation tonight (since the presentation is tomorrow morning!). will it get done? how will it get done???

btw chicago planetarium is not the most exciting place to visit. my niece had a good time somehow. but the rest of us were like, get me out of here!!! we went to afternoon tea after planetarium over the weekend and my niece loved it! we had also planned to go to a big toy store but it closed down. we had planned to go to a dinner place that is friendly to kids and has live jazz music. but the little ones (including me) were too tired. so we came home. all in all this visit was really great even though i had to get lots and lots of studying done. i was probably more productive here than i am usually back home!

deadlines deadlines deadlines!!!

first draft of my thesis is due on april 7th! i guess that means i'll have to start writing it soon. i have a presentation on april 1st so i'm still trying to finish the book i'm supposed to present. wow. time sure flies. i can't believe how fast this semester has gone by.

when will spring really come? i love snow so i'm not complaining. but man shouldn't we be getting rain at this time of the year not snow?

big city

i was in nyc over the weekend. i ate good food, stayed at a huge hotel suite (for nyc that is), saw art works of klimt, etc. etc. it was really fun. it was really good to be away from home for a little bit. and of course the best part of the trip was coming home. :)

i just got back from class and feel really great! i asked lots and lots of questions. considering that i didn't understand a thing i read i felt like i contributed a lot. i was probably able to ask so many questions because there were so many things i didn't understand. it's all good.

lately, i haven't wanted to do anything. even going to nyc was a struggle. and when i was there i stayed in half the time. last week at therapy for the first time, it was difficult to talk in that just getting the volume of my voice up to an audible range took so much effort. then afterwards i didn't want to and didn't know if i could drive myself home. i never felt like that before. this "not wanting to do anything" has been taken to a new level.

end of an era

the counseling center where i did my intensive therapy group and am now doing once a week group is closing as a profit and re-opening some time in the near future as a non-profit. i was like, if they can't make money as a for profit group, how can they survive as a non-profit? a friend told me if they go non-profit they'll get government funding and tax break. so i guess it's good. in the meantime everyone in the program has to be placed into a new program elsewhere. what a pain in the butt! i'm okay about it. but for some people it's devastating news. like this one woman, she came from another country for treatment. what is she supposed to do now? right?

i'm going to nyc this weekend. i still can't really study. so i thought i might as well just have a good weekend if i can't study anyway. good decision, i think.

i've been going to morning prayer everyday this week. i'm still not sure about my faith. but it helps to meet up with others to read the bible, share prayer concerns and to pray together. of course we go get coffee or breakfast afterwards and that doesn't hurt. :)

night in town

on thursday night we sat 4 rows away from the hockey rink! our team lost and there was only one fight. still i had a great time, hot dogs, nachos and wings and all. :)

friday night i watched la vie en rose. man it was a long movie. the acting was good. but the story wasn't really all that interesting. i guess since you know that the singer dies, there isn't much suspense involved.

last night for dinner we went to a steak house. somebody wanted to take the college students (from church) out to a steak house that they probably couldn't afford on their own. and some post college folks tagged along. surprisingly i had a good time. i was somehow in a good mood despite having had a bad reading day. it was nice to see faces i hadn't seen in a while.

and then on the way back from dropping off some people, i almost got into a crazy accident. i was taking a path from a direction i don't usually come from and saw green light so i went. it turns out the green light wasn't for me. so as i was going across the intersection a car making a left honked at me. i'm so thankful that the car wasn't going fast because i would have hit the car if he/she was going any faster.

i haven't been driving so well lately. it's strange and scary.

since i can't read anyway i'm taking a break from studying. why not, right? next week is spring break in any case. :)

wednesdays

i had a busy busy day yesterday. i went to morning prayer, exercised, met with my pcp, and went to my once a week group therapy. i was so happy to say hi to my old group members! i miss you guys!!! i don't know that every group bonds as well as we did. we genuinely liked each other, respected oen another, and enjoyed being a group. my wednesday group was better than last week. people talked a little more. maybe it's because i am getting to know the group better but anyway group felt better than last week.

it was really interesting to read blogs on nytimes last night about cliton and obama. man people were passionate about the candidates. i'm not very political at all. i kind of live in a little bubble to be honest. but still, even if i live in a bubble, i am looking forward to voting and am interested to see who wins the democratic nomination.

tonight i'm going to an ice hockey game! boston bruins vs toronto maple leafs. couple years ago at my first ice hockey game, i asked my friends if boston was playing the bruins. my friends laughed at me and said that i sounded so cute. hehe

i was worried that when i finished the intensive group that i would feel a sense of void and would not know what to do with the 20 hrs a week that got freed up. well, since the group ended, using the time group used to take up, i went wedding dress shopping with my roommate, went to a cool restaurant, and am not having a difficult time finding things to do! it's nice to be able to eat dinner before 8:30 which was what time i was getting home after the intensive group.

lately i've been feeling like i have nothing to write about. maybe i haven't been thinking about much of anything. but even when i have nothing to say, i still miss writing blogs. isn't that strange?

weekend report

i had a great weekend! we went to a cool restaurant, watched once and lives of others, had dinner with my old therapy group members, etc. etc.

yesterday was a bad driving day. at 6 in the morning, i tried to do a u turn on a bridge and then realized a cop was right behind me. so i backed up. for some strange reason, the cop didn't stop me! and then later in china town parking lot, while turning a tight corner, i scraped the side of the car on the very bottom. oh well. the unfortunate event in the parking lot might have been due to one of my medicine running out? i had to ration my meds so i could last until tuesday evening when i see my therapist. so i didn't take my dose at around lunch time. i probably wasn't alert as much as i could have been. later in the evening around 8 pm i felt like i was sinking down into the ground because i was so tired.

today is a very special person's birthday. :) happy birthday!

so beautiful

my roommate, my roommate's friend, my sister and i went wedding dress shopping for my roomnmate last night. she looked pretty in every single wedding dress! she's going to be a beautiful bride at her wedding. wow.

a mile

i am really psyched. i ran a mile in 11:20. that's the fastest i ever ran a mile!!!

wedding dress

we're going wedding dress shopping in this evening! i'm really looking forward to it. i'm probably more excited than my roommate (she's the bride to be).

perks of having finished the evening dbt program of course is that i ate dinner around 6 pm last night and i can go wedding dress shopping before the stores close.

i started a new group yesterday and let me just say that i really miss my old group!!!

oh boy oh boy

i'm done summarizing 4 out of 8 chapters for my presentation tomorrow. wow. i am half way done! i've tackled the chapters i know better so the rest of the presentation is going to be more difficult. oh well.

i didn't get the watch the hollywood party last night. isn't it a shame that i didn't get to check out pretty dresses? yeah. yeah.

at my sister's insistence i went to church yesterday. to my surprise the sermon was relevant to things i'm trying to figure out in my own life. it's a good thing i went to church yesterday. :)

i have two more days left of the intensive group therapy program. just two more days!!!

balance

i'm trying to find balance in my day today. i have to prepare for a presentation on tuesday. i still have to review the 360 page manuscript!!! i am not as stressed as i could be. so that's good.

on friday evening my group therapy program was cancelled due to the weather. so i still have 2 more days left.

lately i either feel bad or numb. this morning i can't tell how i feel at all. yesterday morning i was feeling pretty sad and crappy until i left the house around 2 pm!

my sister went out of town to visit some friends. i miss her.

fear

i feel scared of my own emotions and thoughts. i need a frozen orange!!!

family visits

my brother was here for a week. my sister came on wednesday. it's nice to have family in town!

i have a week and a day left in my intensive group therapy. it's so weird that the time went by so fast. i don't know for sure that i will cope better. but we'll see.

this weekend i have a ton of reading to do. hopefully (with med change starting tomorrow) i can get some work done.

final stretch

i have a week and a half left in the intensive group therapy program. yay! i have come to really care for the group members. and i'll be happy to have some time freed up to study.

last weekend i slept about 18 hrs in a 24 hr period. i didn't feel good so i just kept sleeping and sleeping. oh well.

tomorrow morning i will be working out at 8 am! wow. i'll be impressed if/when i get there.

strange week

group therapy this week was very strange. two people stopped coming. we had a major upset yesterday in three of the groups where group members got really upset. today we spent most of our energy hashing that out and trying to come up with solutions. i was left feeling angry but i wasn't even the person who was involved in the situations! i guess i was empathizing with the powerlessness the other group members felt in the situation. i have two more weeks of intensive group therapy left. yay!!!

holding on

i don't know how good it is to do this but i'm holding on to my target behavior as an option should things take a turn for the worst. it's not that i'm closed to the possibility that my depression can get better. just in case things don't improve, i know i'll act on my impulses.

on a happier note, my brother is visiting me and it's been great. yesterday we went to two museums that i hadn't been to in ages. it's nice to be able to spend time with my brother.

shock

i'm totally in shock. i got a good grade for the paper i was agonizing over. it's the best grade i've received since i started the program. wow. what now? do i all of a sudden have hope? i am starting to believe that maybe the dark clouds are moving, albeit slowly. thank you God!

special day

today felt weird. it just seemed like any other day. last year around this time i felt really (unrealistically) optimistic about the up coming year. as it turned out the past year was really really hard. many hospital visits, and academic troubles! this year i'm not as optimistic but have realistic "hope." maybe i'll end up in the hospital, maybe i won't. maybe i'll graduate, maybe i won't. i will just take one day at a time.

thanks friends and family for being there for me!