intensive group therapy day 4

on monday i started an intensive group therapy program. it's starting to become a blur now how the week's gone by so i thought i better write some things down.

day 1 - i just felt that the four hours went by so slowly. i couldn't imagine how the next six weeks were going to be. i learned about willingness vs willfulness and opposite to current emotion action. i talked mostly about how i wasn't motivated to do anything and felt there was no purpose in life.

day 2 - there were lots of laughter on day two. one of the group members has a good sense of humor and laughs at a lot of the things i say. we had a family issue group and i told my story. it wasn't hard. we had self/validation class in which we basically learned how we can be validating of others. when you can't validate others, you have to apply the skills to yourself. that's what i said in the group. i tuned out
(unintentionally) what some people were saying and dissociated in the group. i was able to tell the group what i was experiencing.

day 3 - i didn't talk that much. i was afraid to talk. i felt like i was on some kind of an emotional ship that might sink if i opened up. i got to know group members better. we had a behavior analysis group and i felt relieved that they didn't analyze my behavior.

day 4 - i talked to my therapist earlier and told her that i'm really doing the group for other people and that i didn't really believe in the program. and so i expressed that in some of the groups. in one of the groups we started talking about whether we were sleeping well. i said that i over sleep and somehow we got into a discussion of
how i am living because i cannot die.

then in another group, when we were discussing addictive behaviors, i talked about my many many hospital visits. so on the fourth day i cried. i told the group i hadn't hit rockbotrtom and was doing the program for others. i wasn't really interested in changing blah blah blah. then somehow i got to talking about obstacles to my addictive behavior and i was trying to say that i wished that over christmas break when i went home that i hardly got to see my family. on christmas eve, my dad was busy, my sister didn't want to come over and my brother was out of the city. so my mom and i had dinner by ourselves. i felt a longing in the group for spending more time with the family. i said that even if we weren't doing anything together that it would have been nice if we were all in the house onchristmas eve.

so there it is. my four days at the program. my paper isn't going too well. i am really lucky to have my new advisor. i hope he won't be disappointed by the paper. i hope he'll get a paper from me. at this point, it's unclear.

i wish i didn't have to go to the group therapy again. but i think it's good for me nonetheless.